Jenae Creeker Chairman
O.O.T.Y.M.P.S.S.P.S.A.R.
Mr. Preston Green
881 E. 200 N.
Provo, UT 84601
28 September, 1988
Mr. Green:
In conducting an investigation of your schedule, new evidence has come to light that your schedule contains certain unexplainable gaps. There seem to be 10 minutes during every hour that we cannot account for your whereabouts.
This is a serious concern. As you well know, Mr. Green, it is necessary for our Committee to keep track of its constituents. Therefore, we have instigated a new program for OBSERVATION OF TWENTY YEAR OLD MALE PRE-LAW STUDENTS STUDYING POLITICAL SCIENCE AND RUSSIAN.
For you see, Mr. Green, since the alarming release of the film No Way Out , we are terribly concerned that many more Soviet agents are posing as American college students atpresent time.
You are a prime suspect for a number of reasons.
First, your family has moved repeatedly during the past 20 years. We have two possible explanations for this strange phenomenon:
a) Your father is a Russian spy infiltrating the United States Airforce.
b) Sometime during the Green Family's travels, the Soviets substituted one of their baby agents for the real Preston Green, and they have been training you ever since.
Second, your interest in Russian and in law lead us to believe you are covering your uncommon fluency in Russian, and your law studies will provide the edge you need to enter the United States Government where you will begin your disintegration of htis great nation.
Third, you have dark, Russian coloring.
Fourth, you are posing as a naive, innocent Mormon boy at a religious institution to cast off suspicion.
Fifth, you live alone with your comerade in arms, Christian Buckley, so your Soviet Superiors can contact you easily, so you can further your plans to conquer the world, beginning with Provo, Utah.
This letter serves four purposes:
1) To let you know that we know y our true identity.
2) To let you know that we are watching you very closely.
3) To give you a chance to surrender.
4) To determine your whereabouts during the 10 minute gap in your schedule which we encounter every hour.
In order to avoid arrest, you must do two things:
1) You must write a detailed report listing your whereabouts every minute of every day.
2) You must run through the BYU quad from the Southwest corner of the Harold B. Lee Library to the Northeast corner of the Harris Fine Arts Center in your boxer shorts singing "My Country 'Tis of Thee," for our Committee Observers. You must perform this task at Midnight, Sunday October 2, 1988.
If you fail to accomplish these duties, the Committee will have no choice but to take militant action against you.
You are strongly encouraged to cooperate peacefully.
The Committee is watching you.
-- Jenae Creeker, Chairman
O.O.T.Y.O.M.P.S.S.P.S.A.R.
ok Jen, you're scaring me now. Is this from a journal entry?
Posted by: Porgo | April 08, 2004 at 07:39 AM
Yes-- I'm scaring myself! I found a copy of the letter which apparently I sent to Preston in hopes of luring him to the quad in his underwear, pasted onto a page of my journal.
My journal basically has Preston and Christian entries on every page of Fall Semester-- I think at some point in November, I realized that Preston was never going to date me and started branching out to other people.
The whole journal is an exercise in humiliation. Sigh.
I also have a note that Preston and I wrote to each other after you guys ditched me.
Posted by: Jen | April 08, 2004 at 08:09 AM